Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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