Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
