My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize