I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
