at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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