If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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