Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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