I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize