i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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