***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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