Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
