And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
