dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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