Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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