I'm gonna have a badass scar
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
