tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
