So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
