She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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