Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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