Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
