just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
