I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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