i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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