She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
