on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
