So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
