Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
