My boss' voice literally gives me gas
4 words: hood of his car
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
