maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
