i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
