my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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