drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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