I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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