you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
