the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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