nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Don't EVER smell your tampon
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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