So drunk its hurt
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
