Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
