Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
