he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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