ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
