i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize