Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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