Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
