I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
