despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
