Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
