if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
