i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
