Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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