I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
