dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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