i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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