Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
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