he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
