tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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